so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
