I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
