I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Randomize
