i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
