Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My legs feel like baby dolphins
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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