Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
