Don't make out with my wife yet
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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