I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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