Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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