all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
