I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
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