I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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