I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
