How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
