Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
