I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
