You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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