please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
