No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Drunk is not a location!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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