I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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