I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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