I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
