saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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