Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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