I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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