I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
