shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
