you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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