On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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