it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
