My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
