Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
