he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My balls are so social today.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Randomize
