i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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