Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize