A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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