I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
