Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
