Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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