yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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