they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
