No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
