just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize