I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
