i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
