I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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