yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
