The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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