I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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