Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
