i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
