just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
