He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
