You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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