Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
