oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize