the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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