you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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