Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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