I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
