Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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